I need a place to do this

wednesday - finish the trend report, put my ideas together. have a headache most of the day and feel overwhelmed by a variety of emotions clouding my mind. when i spend too long without authentic human interaction, my mind starts collapsing in on itself. I've been keeping myself sane by spending time with God every day and talking to my boyfriend most days. today i didn't spend time with God. too much weight on me to open the Bible and let the words help me. i feel like crying at random times all throughout the day. it feels like i'm climbing a mountain and it gets really steep and i want to give up and cry and go home. but there is no mountain, i'm just sitting here in the office, in this chair. i feel dizzy for a second, like i'm losing it. it - the control i maintain over my mind.
people say let go. they don't know what that means for someone like me. i've let go before. but not fully. if i let go fully, i would be in a mental hospital right now, my consciousness ripped away from me, my only reality, the mesh of blood and thought inside my head. floating in bloody cloudy sky. no beginning or end. only the terrifying unrelenting taste of being lost and scratching at the cloudy prison to find reality.
there's a real place in my mind. my mind is a real place. others don't spend much time inside their own brain places, but they're real. maybe these pockets only exist in some people. maybe not all have brain pockets in which to hide or be lost, depending on the weather.

i wish i could paint. spinning, boiling red thought and emotion sit in the stomach of my mind. it searches for ways to get out. through the ear, no it sucks at music. through the hands, no it sucks at art. through the mouth, no it sucks at language. through the eyes, no it sucks at seeing. through the heart, through the mind, stuck in skin. these hands won't work. dead drooping chunks slam against beautiful machines and make noise. and scratch against my face wondering why they're dead branches and hard leaves. these eyes won't think. they see a puzzle and 

but these hands and this mind. my body knows a rhythm that sings the world to peace. with broken hands and stupid eyes, it can't this song release.