I need Love

          Every day this past week I've wrestled with cravings for alcohol and cigarettes. Every day I thought through how, when, and where I could get alcohol and cigarettes. Some days I decided cigarettes alone would do. Other days I thought I could grab a beer from CVS and that would work. Every day I thought about the consequences, the smell, who would find out, what people would think of me if they caught me or if I told them the truth. For 3 days straight, I went to school and planned to go by a gas station after for cigarettes. I went a different way home to come across a gas station where I wouldn't see anyone I knew. The turn came and I passed it by. With a well of pain throbbing inside me, I decided to go home.
          On Friday, I thought the cravings had passed. I figured I had struggled enough... surely it was time for a break. No. Afternoon came and I wanted alcohol and cigarettes and I planned. All night I sat at home and thought about where I could go, what I could drink, what I would wear. Finally I ended the night with Netflix, a little reading, and browsing Craigslist.
          Saturday I spent the day at Six Flags. I wandered around the park and saw signs for beer and signs for designated smoking areas. I enjoyed the rides, but all day I wanted more. I went home and resolved to watch a show and read my book.
          Today, Sunday... Easter, I slept late. I woke up and tried to journal and talk to God. I used to audibly talk to him all the time. Now, whenever I thought about actually speaking, I couldn't. I realized I'm angry with him, but I don't know why. I closed the journal and opened my book - a fantasy novel, the last one in the series. I finished it and felt like trash afterward. The book is full of demons, evil, corruption, lies, death. It did not have a happy ending. I threw some clothes on and decided to go to Starbucks and work on my screenplay.
          My mom calls right as I'm leaving. She asks what's wrong. I don't know what to tell her. She calls back when I'm in the SB's parking lot. I still don't have anything to tell her, then I find out that she called to tell me something cool she learned at church. I start crying while she talks about a revelation she had, not because the revelation is so cool, but because my mom knows I'm struggling, but called me back because she needs to share something that happened to her with me.
          When the phone call is over, I'm crying more. I don't know why. All I know is it hurts. Everything inside me hurts. I drive around and cry. I talk aloud some - how I can't do this anymore, I can't, I can't, I can't. It hurts too much. I sense God say to turn on worship music and just sit there - don't try to make anything happen. I turn it on and mostly ignore it. He wants it to wash over me, not me try to self-medicate, self-soothe, or learn anything. Halfway through the journey, I sense him say that all I have to do is tell him what's wrong - it's his job to fix it.
          I go back to SB and work on my screenplay a little. I write a sweet scene with an abused teenager being loved on by her young cousins. She sits in bed with them and they hug her and tell her it'll be okay. It ends in laughter. I know I will have to write the scene where she leaves her cousins and enters into a scary world with no one she can trust, no one who can comfort her, but I wasn't ready to write that scene yet.
          I go to my sister's house and hang out for a while. I get up to leave and finally share what's been going on with my sisters. After saying a lot that probably didn't make sense and I felt really stupid sharing, I say how I've never felt like God gives me anything to help me through cravings. It's sheer willpower. And I have no way of knowing if it will ever stop. I go through every day with every part of my body longing for something it can't have. It's exhausting. I tell them how I love feeling thirsty because I know a simple glass of water will make me feel satisfied. It's the only time I feel satisfied.
          Annabeth looks up at me and says "It's chemical." I feel something loosen inside me and all I want to do is cry. She says how their adopted daughters are the same way - that's why they act so crazy. It's a chemical imbalance that happens in the womb. I can't remember everything she said, but eventually I can't hold back tears or choose not to. I start pouring tears and my sisters come to hug me. They both pray over me for healing and for satisfaction, for everything in my brain to work right. Annabeth says it's nurture. I need nurture and for whatever reason, God wants to be the one to nurture me. He doesn't want other people to, he wants to.
          Driving home I think about why that made me break down. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I felt so relieved to hear that there's just something wrong with me, not because of anything I did. And furthermore, I haven't failed. It's not that I haven't done enough, haven't opened up enough, haven't said no enough, haven't pursued God, church, whatever enough.
          Ever since I can remember I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt an emotional or mental cancer inside me that people couldn't see. People encountered me, tried to befriend me, and eventually got hurt by me and assumed I just didn't like them, even hated them. All I ever wanted was to be loved by people and all I've ever done my WHOLE LIFE is push people away.
          Tonight I learned that it's not my fault. I just need help. I need love. I still want cigarettes. A whiskey sounds like fucking heaven. But I'm going to sit at home and work on my screenplay and probably watch more Warehouse 13, and even though it may not look like it, that's what belief looks like for me. Belief that the cravings will stop and I will be 100% free and 100% satisfied. Wow. That's a hard thing to write down. I don't feel it, but I choose it.